Friday, June 11, 2010

grieving brothers....

One of my biggest fears when our journey with Zeke began was my 2 boys. I was worried about how Elijah and Malachi were going to be able to handle this. Alot of people told me that "kids are resilient" they will be sad, but they will also bounce back. I never thought that I could end the pregnancy with Zeke because of my strong faith in God and how pro life I was, but I was also a mommy to 2 little boys who I know where going to have to possibly grieve the loss of their baby brother. As a parent we will do whatever we can to keep our children from hurting. I know for myself "mother bear" can come out of nowhere and attack on a seconds notice! =) As much as I loved, and I yearned for my baby boy growing inside of me, I also loved and wanted to protect Elijah and Malachi from any pain and a part of me felt like it was my fault for continuing on in the pregnancy knowing the pain that we may experience this summer. The thought of having to watch my boys get so excited for their baby and then to have to shatter their world with the possibility of Zeke dying just killed me. Through out the whole pregnancy I felt like I was choosing Zeke's "possible" life over the emotional side of the boys. If that even makes any sense. There were many times when I would over hear the boys talking about playing with Zeke and changing his diapers and I would just ask myself "what are you doing? you are lying to your kids,they think he will come home healthy!" It would make me sick to my stomach and some nights I would pray God if this is gonna end up bad come June, just let us get it over with now. Please don't prolong the inevitable. I can not watch my little boys grieve over their baby!

We kept going on, one day after another and before you knew it, we were in May and all of us were SO optimistic that Zeke was going to be healed and was going to be a testimony. That morning they told us Zeke's heart had stopped of course I was upset, but I couldn't stop thinking about Elijah and Malachi. I had to get home to them, I had to tell them, I had to hold them and let them cry because it was all my fault! I knew in January how sick he was and I still let my boys dream of a healthy baby knowing he wasn't. I was so thankful they let me go home that morning and just wait for labor to happen on its on, I needed my boys!

It wasn't until about a week ago it actually hit them, that Zeke was gone. Yes they knew I didn't come home with a baby and yes they saw his footprints but it took awhile for it to sink in and when it did they are so scared to talk about it, cause they don't want to make us sad. They are upset they didn't get to see him and say goodbye to them like they did paw paw. They still grab my camera thinking i have put picture's of Zeke on there.

Malachi had a good break thru about a week after I came home from the hospital and he just cried on my shoulder for awhile, we both cried actually and then he started drawing pictures and leaving me notes like the one I found on my bed Tuesday after the funeral home had contacted us.He drew a picture of me crying and underneath it say ed.. "I am so sorry your sad mommy, but just remember you told me he is with Jesus." It melted my heart and was just what I needed at that moment. He keeps asking me over and over that he doesn't understand why God didn't answer our prayer to heal him and that is so hard to explain especially when I don't have a stinking clue myself. He asked what we all did wrong cause we had 2 babies die. He wants to know why his friends mommies can have healthy babies but his mommy can't. It is one thing to be there and comfort someone, but when you are going through your own grief it is SO hard to pick yourself up & be there for them let alone when it is your kids.

Elijah is acting out in anger. He is throwing things and yelling when I get on to him or ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. He hates going to bed at night and immediatly wants to sleep w/ us everynight cause he say's he misses paw paw and Zeke. He never did any of this before. For you that know him, you know this is TOTALLY out of character! I am afraid he is blaming me for Zeke not living. He won't talk to me, or love on me unless David is around. It hurts so much, but at the same time I don't blame him he is only 7 and I had Zeke in my belly one day and then that night I came home and he was gone. I had the baby last May in my belly and by the evening I came home and he was also gone. I keep telling them we will have a baby and the last 2 times they have died. I know in my gut I could not of done anything to prevent this & to keep Zeke from having these birth deffects, or from having the miscariage but it doesn't make it any easier on a daily basis.

Our boys have had so much death around them the last 6 weeks, I am surprised they are handling it as good as they are I just wish as their mother I could help them more than I am. I am having a hard time leaving the house during the day, I pray that doesn't last or its gonna be a VERY long summer. I just don't want to be "fake" & have to smile at people or interact and hear "have a great day" when I am in the deepest part of the valley right now.

I know people have sayed it will get better and it will get easier. It just takes time, but it also has only been 2 1/2 weeks and only 3 days since we finalized his funeral arangments. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her, not that it compares to her pain in anyway, but no one expected her to have moved on and gone back to her normal activities 2 1/2 weeks after Charles died. I know it is not the same and every situation is different but to me this is my Hell. To me this is the darkest hour I have ever walked through. No mother should ever have to bury their baby even if he never lived outside her womb. Zeke was still baby and he was still apart of our family and always will be.

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