Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My body....

It has been almost a month to the day since I delivered Zeke. I am doing as well as you can expect emotionally. I still cry everyday for him and I have been trying to keep worship music going and I know each day will get a little bit better. Because we don't have physical pictures of him I am so afraid he will be forgotten. What has been my biggest challenge the last few days is my body, I am still dealing with all the things that come from giving birth. It is so amazing to me on how much breastfeeding really helps our bodies go back to normal. It never seemed to be such a big deal, dealing with all the postpartum junk because you are so focused on taking care of your new baby, you are so in love with this little person. You don't have time to think of yourself and everything that hurts. I only gained about 18 pounds w/ Zeke. I lossed a majority of the weight with in the first few weeks of having the boys, but this time it has clung on for dear life!

I just feel like its never ending. I have to deal w/ the death of my child and I can't even try and move through this or learn to live w/ him gone, because I am constantly reminded physically that yes I did have him and the worst part is being reminded constatnly every day that he is gone. I know this has a big part in why I don't want the leave the house. I don't have any clothes that fit me. I still look pregnant and when you go out in public in maternity clothes you stand the risk of someone asking you how far along you are (cause we are all soo nosy!) LOL!! That.. I could not handle! I have worn my sunglasses inside the stores alot more lately because I don't want to make eye contact w/ people. I can't wear normal pants yet and my boobs are to big for my normal shirts. Its awful I still feel like I got ran over by a truck! Still after 4 weeksI feel just awful! So I am stuck in "comfy jammie" like clothes and I am just hanging around the house trying to get through each day as it comes. Not to mention how I feel hormonally!

Some people think I might need help to get over these humps and maybe I do if I am still acting like this in a year but what I keep telling myself is its only been a month. By no means am I putting down anyone who has had to take medication to help them, I have taken the medication and I don't think anything is wrong with doing so. I just know for me... right now its not the best thing for, I feel I would get worse. I do not feel depressed, I am just a mother grieving for her son she did not bring home. I feel lost, I feel like something is missing. I am constantly looking for my phone, keys, chapstick and when I find them in my purse I'm still looking and then I realize I am looking for Zeke. I miss Zeke, I feel like I have left him somewhere and I need to go find him. I honestly feel like I am missing a part of my body. I look in the backseat and I only see the 2 boys and I look down at my belly and I am reminded that it will stay 2 boys in the backseat. I know it will get easier but right now I just feel like everything especially my own body is a constant reminder that my child died.

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