If only it was that easy. .... Breathing.
We don't think about each breath we take, everytime we breathe we don't expect that to be our last. That is until we feel we can't breathe.
I have always known grief to be not only an emotional time, but I never realized it could be such a physical emotion as well. Yes we cry and we see those tears, but to actually feel like you can't breathe because you are so overwhelmed (not from crying or being hysterical) with the loss. Loosing Zeke has done that to me in a way I never imagined. It is soo physical it is scary. The only words I can muster out is "Jesus" and all I can think about is okay God I can not do this right now you HAVE to step in and help me breathe my next breath and please God just get me calmed back down.
I have never felt like I was going to hyperventilate until I lost Zeke. Crowds overwhelm me in a way they never did before. I can't handle contriversy or any form of decisions right now. The panic attaks come out of no where. Last night I was at Elijah's baseball party and the boys kept asking me for quarter's (which I totally forgot) the place started to get more crowded, before I knew it I was breathing faster and I grabbed our stuff and we all had to leave. Now once I got to car and it was just me and the boys, I calmed down the tear's started to flow but I could breathe. It is a very scary feeling and it is so hard to explain or understand. I am fine as long as David is with me, but he has worked so much this week I have had to take the boys to all their games, parties, end of school year activities and all I want to do is lock myself up in the house and never leave. And at the same time I don't want to be home by myself, if the boys are here I don't want to leave. Even now this evening the boys and David want to go out and do something, just walk around the mall or go for a drive, but I can't muster up enough nerve to leave the house. I had my outing's today w/ the baseball games and that was enough that was plenty for me and honestly I do not want to go anywhere tomorrow I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies, and stuff my face with chocolate, even tho I know I need to go to church, I just want to hide.