Friday, June 18, 2010

Due Date

The day has come

Today is the anticipated day for anyone who is going to have a baby.Today was not an anticipated day for me.I should be getting ready for one of the best days of my life, meeting my 3rd little boy. Holding him and counting his fingers and toes and showering him with kisses.Instead I am sitting in the kitchen with my baby's ashes in our home. In a little blue box no bigger than a toddler shoe box with his name on it.

They have always said that no parent should every have to bury their child. That this is the worst thing dealing w/ the death of your child. You always think it will be someone else and you wonder how you would handle it if you were in their situation. I have said it before that I would not wish this on anyone, but I would gladly give this pain away to the first person who could take it. I am by far going through my darkest hour and just when you think you are coming up for air, you start sinking again. You can't function and the littlest problem or the smallest task feels like you are climbing Mount Everest.

Last night I couldn't help but dream of having a "healthy pregnancy" and bringing Zeke home like so many of you are doing right now. The jealousy is awful and the anger comes and goes & some times I can not believe that I can harbor so much anger. It is not directed at anyone or even at God, I am just furious that this happened and furious that the few things that I had hoped to get out of this awful nightmare, like a family picture or just a picture of Zeke by himself didn't even happen. I went for asking God to heal my baby down to asking for just a picture of him and not one of those prayers were answered. I have framed his footprints in a nice frame and I am going to take my kids to the park and have their picture taken w/ Zeke's footprints. I may not have his full body here, but I do have a part of him that can be visual in a picture of my 3 boys.

I can understand why people run from God, why people loose their relationship's and their marriage when they loose a child. I can remember hearing about a friend of mine that lost their baby shortly after birth a few years ago and telling a friend of mine, "Oh how I pray that never happens to us, my marriage would not survive the grief of burying my baby." The emotions are so strong and they can come on so suddenly you can't control them. You have to conciensly every few second's keep talking to God and David,I have to keep that life line open or it will shut and you will not have the energy to open it. But here I am 3 years later in the middle of my worst nightmare and my marriage is stronger than ever, and most importantly my relationship with God is stronger than ever. When all of this started to happen with Zeke someone told me you have to choose to live, you have to choose to not shut down & push everyone away. That is when I decided to start the blog, to keep me from shutting down and to make me keep the communication going w/ David and with God.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am mad and I am so confused.

I was talking to my mom about how I just wish I had a small glimpse of "why". As confused as I am, I still have to try and explain things to my boys and help them remember that even though Pawpaw and Zeke went to heaven way to early and even though we all prayed our guts out for them to be healed, it does not mean God did not hear our prayers. My mom told me to explain it to the boys as a book. When Pawpaw and Zeke died that was like a chapter or even a sentence in the whole book God has written for us. God can see the end of the book the very last sentence and in order for us to get to that point we have to go through chapter 3 and chapter 5. We can't read the last chapter of the book or even the last sentence before the other's because it wouldn't make sense. God has a plan and even though this part of the book we are in is really hard and it really hurts we have to keep reading because it will get better and before you know it we will be reading the last chapter and it will all make sense.

I have no answers and I want to give up at times, but I want Zeke to stay alive and I want his legacy to mean something. God brought him here for a purpose and chose us as his family for a reason. The enemy may have gotten Zeke, but he will not get my spirit and he will not get Zeke's legacy!

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