Tuesday, June 1, 2010

grief

My heart is heavy. I feel like my whole world has fallen to pieces. I just can't imagine being truely happy on the inside again. Yes I smile and my kids make me laugh, but right now the only emotion that feels real is sorrow. For 5 min my world seems perfect, and then I remember what we are going through. You hear stories of when 1 spouse dies and not long after the widow dies as well, they say it was from a broken heart. I never understood that sadness until now. Don't worry I am not going anywhere and I am not by any means deppressed & going to end my life. I just understand why you feel you can't go on. The grief is heavy, emotionally tiring and still so hard to believe.

"I Tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy one day." John 16:20

I thought I was handling this whole thing fairly well, no crazy outburst's last week or no uncontrollable crying. Last week I felt numb and I felt relief that it was all over. I was almost happy to the point of laughing because our nightmare had finally ended. I felt guilty for not being more upset or not being secluded in my room. I was honestly fine last week, I felt free from all the decision making, the stress of being pregnant with a sick baby. Saturday it hit me. Saturday night I cried myself to sleep. Sunday night I couldn't even lay in my bed because it reminded me of the active moments Zeke had at night, so I slept on the couch. Monday night I tried to lay down and go to bed when everyone else did, but as soon as my head that pillow the tears just started to flow and I could not control myself so back to the couch I went.

Grief is a perplexed emotion. 1 minute you are fine laughing and cutting up w/ your family and then the next minute you are crying uncontrolably. You have so many emotions running through your body you laugh when you are supposed to be sincere, you cry when something is actually funny and you get upset over the stupidest things. Like right now my kids are running around the house saying....UM UM UM! What used to be very simple to me when they are acting like silly little boys (tuning them out) is taking everybit of self control I have left. All I want to do is tell them to be quiet and snap because it is completely driving me insane, when honestly they are just being silly and are actually playing very nicely with eachother, trust me it could be a whole lot worse. LOL I burned my poptart this morning and I just sat at the table and balled like a baby. I had a whole box of poptarts I could toast, but no I wanted that poptart and it was almost black! I have made coffee the last few morning's and completely forget about it until late that night.

I know things will get better and I will learn to have a "new normal" but right now it just doesn't even seem possible.

3 comments:

  1. Stefani, you're doing a great job of processing everything. You seem to be very much in tune with your feelings. That will help you as you heal.

    Grief is an ongoing process. How long it takes to move through it depends on each individual.

    I can remember when Emily told me she'd first made it through a whole day without crying after Luke died. It was a big breakthrough for her. I don't remember how long it was before she got to that point, but it seems like it took quite a while.

    You'll make it through one day with no tears, then two days, then three, etc. Then you may feel like you've taken a step backward and cry every day for a week again.

    I wish I could tell you you'll ever get to the point where you never cry about it again, but that's not usually the case. Zeke is a part of you. The void he left just can't be filled. :(

    BUT some day you WILL find yourself smiling more than you cry. Really, you will!

    I just hate that all this has happened and you're having to find a new "normal" at all. (((hugs)))

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  2. hi stefani,

    i am a friend of tiesha's. i've been praying for you and your family and am heartbroken for you. i can't say i know exactly what you are feeling but i do know your grief. my son died on feb 1. i wish i had something profound to tell you or some amazing advice but i don't. i have felt very convicted to reach out to you though and i've started to comment but then deleted it.... i've been trying to figure out what God wants me to tell you. the only thing i can think of is to remind you that you don't have to do anything but get through the next moment. God does the rest. He will take care of you and your family. i can honestly say that i have no idea how i've managed my life the past few months but i have felt God holding me up at all times. whether it's a friend who calls, a neighbor who drops off a book, or my husband or chase (my 5 year old) saying or doing just the right thing, God has been with me the entire time. it's not that the grief goes away, it's just that you realized that you've made it through another day. there's no humanly way we can do this, that's for God to do and i'm so grateful that you have Him. i am praying for you,

    courtney ayer

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  3. Sue Issa (Jad's mom)June 3, 2010 at 8:56 AM

    We miss you, Jad misses you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We are heartbroken over what happened, but remember God has a reason and we may not know his reasons right now (because we are humans and we're narrow-minded and shallow) but He's way more powerful and has plan for each of our lives. God will make you strong and you will overcome this horrible ordeal. I know it's hard to do right now, but look at the positive things in your life, look at your 2 beautiful boys and your wonderful husband and all the people that love you, then you'll realize that you're truly blessed. Bad things can happen to anyone, you're not a target, this is God's way of making you a strong woman - maybe one day you'll be His tool to teach and preach other women who are suffering because you've been through it and you survived and you were able to carry on. You're a hero!
    Zeke is in heaven - he's an angel. Don't be sad, it sounds like you a have a lot of faith and I know one day things will be normal again, it may not happen for a long time, but time and prayer will heal you. I pray for your little boys, they are too young to express their sorrow and pain. May God bless you and your beautiful family! You have a LOT to be thankful for, be thankful for what you have - always, and God can do the rest.
    If you need anything, just let us know, we are more than happy to help, in anyway. If the boys want to come over and play, please let me know.

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