My heart is heavy. I feel like my whole world has fallen to pieces. I just can't imagine being truely happy on the inside again. Yes I smile and my kids make me laugh, but right now the only emotion that feels real is sorrow. For 5 min my world seems perfect, and then I remember what we are going through. You hear stories of when 1 spouse dies and not long after the widow dies as well, they say it was from a broken heart. I never understood that sadness until now. Don't worry I am not going anywhere and I am not by any means deppressed & going to end my life. I just understand why you feel you can't go on. The grief is heavy, emotionally tiring and still so hard to believe.
"I Tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy one day." John 16:20
I thought I was handling this whole thing fairly well, no crazy outburst's last week or no uncontrollable crying. Last week I felt numb and I felt relief that it was all over. I was almost happy to the point of laughing because our nightmare had finally ended. I felt guilty for not being more upset or not being secluded in my room. I was honestly fine last week, I felt free from all the decision making, the stress of being pregnant with a sick baby. Saturday it hit me. Saturday night I cried myself to sleep. Sunday night I couldn't even lay in my bed because it reminded me of the active moments Zeke had at night, so I slept on the couch. Monday night I tried to lay down and go to bed when everyone else did, but as soon as my head that pillow the tears just started to flow and I could not control myself so back to the couch I went.
Grief is a perplexed emotion. 1 minute you are fine laughing and cutting up w/ your family and then the next minute you are crying uncontrolably. You have so many emotions running through your body you laugh when you are supposed to be sincere, you cry when something is actually funny and you get upset over the stupidest things. Like right now my kids are running around the house saying....UM UM UM! What used to be very simple to me when they are acting like silly little boys (tuning them out) is taking everybit of self control I have left. All I want to do is tell them to be quiet and snap because it is completely driving me insane, when honestly they are just being silly and are actually playing very nicely with eachother, trust me it could be a whole lot worse. LOL I burned my poptart this morning and I just sat at the table and balled like a baby. I had a whole box of poptarts I could toast, but no I wanted that poptart and it was almost black! I have made coffee the last few morning's and completely forget about it until late that night.
I know things will get better and I will learn to have a "new normal" but right now it just doesn't even seem possible.