Monday, June 14, 2010


Tonight I am scared, and angry.

I have to go to the doctor in the morning and get the test results from Zeke's condition. We are almost positive that he had T18 what we don't know is if it was genetic or if it was just a fluke thing that happened to us. Our doctor has a good feeling it is not genetic because we have 2 healthy boys, but when Zeke was born the severity of his condition was alot worse than any of us expected. So my nerves are completly on edge and the aprehension of this doctor's appointment is about the same as the January 7th appointment when they did an ultrasound to see if he had any abnormalities to match the positive blood test for T18. If this comes back genetic are hope for ever having another baby is completly thrown out the window. We can not go through this again. I can not bury another baby. Not only will I have to grieve the loss of Zeke, but I will have to grieve the loss of the bigger family David and I dreamed of. Then again if his test comes back okay and we are given the go ahead I am scared. Not that we are going to get pregnant ANYTIME soon, but just the thought of it is scary considering what we just went thru. I say all that and then I remember what my grandma would always say.. "Don't worry about tomorrow, because God is already there." How true is that statement. God is there, he knows the results, he knows how many kids I will have and how big our family will or will not be one day. He sees the big picture where as I only see tonight & what could happen tomorrow. I have trust him and trust that he knows best.......but that just goes into my next problem.

How can you trust someone who you are angry with? How do you love someone who you are angry with? How can you believe he knows best when you are angry with him? You worship. You cry and you worship your way out of your hurt and your anger. I can't do anything else. I can't change what I went through. Some reason, some crazy reason God chose me to go through this. He chose me to be Zeke's mom knowing that his life would be very short. As angry as I am at the situation, especially the picture situation. I know in my heart it is not his fault that he didn't cause this but I am angry because he could of given me a picture. I accepted Zeke was sick and all I asked for was one minute to hold him, to meet him and then I found out he died before birth. I had accepted he died and I just prayed and asked God for a picture of the 5 of us. When Zeke was born we decided that it was better if the boys didn't see him, a stillbirth is alot different then a live birth for obvious reasons and it was best that boys did not see Zeke like that. So there went the family photo I dreamed of all these months. I then looked forward to having a picture w/ Zeke and his mommy and daddy. Well the photographer with Now I lay me Down to Sleep was held up for reasons I do not know and was unable to get to us until almost 8 hours after he was born. I asked Janice how he looked and I trusted her to tell me the truth and she told me that he had deteroated very fast and she just did not think I could handle seeing him like that and David and I agreed, so out went the photo of the 3 of us. A photo that's all I wanted and considering I had started praying for a healthy baby and then I went to praying for him to heal my sick baby all the way down the ladder like 10 times to just praying for a picture w/ my baby and his mom and dad. Yeah I am angry! I am angry because so many other's get their prayer's answered and I feel like I got none of mine. NONE! Yes if you look at the bigger picture okay I did get some answered. But right now in my pain and in my anger all I can see is what I didn't get. And what I didn't even get was a picture w/ me holding my baby, because he looked so bad. Really God couldn't even give me that? Was that to much to ask? Now your probably wondering well why didn't I just have someone take candid shots earlier on in the day... I did but she only took pictures of him by himself, because I was so traumatized and in shock of the whole labor and birthing experiance I couldn't be with Zeke, I couldn't handle having him in my room all day. Some of you may think that is wrong and that I am crazy for not holding him for as long as I could, but I don't care because in my heart I carried him. I carried him in my belly for 9 months and I truely felt that carrying him in my arms all afternoon would of only added to my trauma. No I am not going into details of the labor, not yet anyways but I will tell you it was awful, it was traumatic and I don't regret any decision I made that day. But that does not change the fact that I am sooo angry right now.

With that sayed, worship is a wonderful thing because it can pull you out of whatever you are going through and make you focus on what is really important. It brings perspective, and it brings peace. Peace that could not come from anyone else but God. So I have to step out on faith and trust him. I have to trust that God sees the bigger picture even when I can't. Even when I have nights like tonight when I am SO angry for not having a pretty picture of my baby.


  1. I can understand your pain and anger. I have been angry with God for prayers that were unanswered or answered "no". It is so hard to find a place where you aren't angry and that you can truely cry out in worship. But, you know the key to your survival is worship and intimacy with God. Only He alone, can massage that pain and help you understand your anger. This is part of the grief process. Your honesty may shock so Chrisitians but if they will be honest I am sure at some point in life they have experienced a similar feeling. Be honest with yourself and God always. He already knows your heart anyway so how could you hide those feelings. We are praying for you and David. God only knows tomorrow, don't borrow pain from tomorrow when you already have enough in today.

  2. You don't know me, but I have been reading your words and grieving in my own way for your loss. I pray that God's healing will move you past your anger and grief. I have not lost a child, but I do know the anger and the hurt as I have not been able to conceive even after trying for several years. I have been angry, deeply sad, bitter, etc... Somehow I can feel God leading me to something I cannot even see. I don't know what it will be, but I am trying to trust. Sometimes that's all we have. I wish you and your family peace. Maybe part of your journey is allowing others to grieve with you and to allow God in to that process. Thank you for sharing your story.