Friday, February 4, 2011

a day with no agenda......

Today I was home all day. As much as I always think I want just 1 day at home like it used to be before I started working full time and going to school I am quickly reminded how much I need business.

Houston basically shutdown today for fear of snow today so that meant that me and the boys got a snow day, which was totally awesome last night thinking how we could sleep in and lay around all day in our jammies today w/ out an agenda at all! Until that is we woke up and their was NO snow! my boys were crushed and I was just frustrated. (what a way to start your day)

I wanted to be productive today since I wasn't working and knew I couldn't get any school work done with the boys home. So house here I come you are gonna be clean gosh darn it! Yeah I made it as far as doing the dishes and then doing 1 load of laundry, before I got TOTALLY overwhelmed. When I say overwhelmed I don't just mean normal where do I start stuff..... I was having a panic attack, I started crying when I saw the mounds of laundry in my room and then looking at the boys room and toy room just sent me over the edge. So guess what I did? I crawled in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy. I totally ignored the mess of the house knowing that it was the beginning of the weekend and it was only going to get messier. I gave up!
Today was hard. I wanted to enjoy my boys and it seemed like I just kept getting upset with them or frustrated. I felt so bad and so awful as a mother that I was not enjoying our day together. I couldn't handle being home today with the boys it wasn't because I didn't want it because I did so desperately but my nerves were a wreck and I couldn't handle all the thoughts of Zeke today. It felt like a month had been built up and I hadn't really let myself miss him and so today when I was home alone with all our activities cancelled BAM it hit me and I felt like I was back at that first day of summer with no baby a husband at work and 2 boys who didn't understand why their mother was a complete mess. So finally I grabbed both of them and we cuddled on the couch together and watched a few movies and I was able to calm down and remember that these boys need me more than they need a clean house. They need me to play with them and sit with them while they watch cartoons, so that is what I did it took me all morning to figure it out, but at least I caught it before i lost the whole day.

So yes I am completely busy and I am overwhelmed at times of what all we do, but at the end of the day I would rather be overwhelmed with boys scouts, little league, school and working than being overwhelmed with panic attacks and uncontrollable crying over my sweet little boy Zeke. I may not be able to control what has happened to our family, but I can control my schedule to the point were I am not able to dwell on it and make myself miss him more than what is healthy grieving. Some people think I need to slow down and that I am just masking my grief but I would say to them I am doing what I need to do to survive. I have battled with depression before and it is a HARD place to come out of and I do not want to go down that road again. The only way I know to do that is to do the opposite of what put me there in the first place, STAY BUSY.

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