Tuesday, February 22, 2011

blessings come from raindrops......

I heard a song on the radio yesterday and I felt like God was speaking to me like he has never done before. I kept looking at the passenger seat thinking I was going to see him sitting there, that is how real this felt.

The song is called Blessings and it is from Laura Story's new CD. I have been struggling with trying to find my peace in the death of Zeke. I have been afraid to let him go thinking I wont get his memory back, I have been afraid to talk about him for fear that people will think I am crazy. The worst is I have pushed my family away because I have been holding on to the hurt and the pain of what happened to us. I told myself over and over that it wasn't God's fault he did not cause this, I knew I couldn't be mad at him & it wasn't David's fault so who did that leave...... ME. By being mad at myself I have turned that into anger and it has bled thru me and I have not been the mother or the wife they deserve. I have been snappy and irritable, I have been sad and extremely busy.

There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve but there comes a time when the days keep going on and I have to move forward. I have to accept that Friday it will be 9 months since we said goodbye. 9 months since I left him all alone in that hospital even tho it seems like it has only been 9 days.

So with tears rolling down my face, & knowing that he will always be apart of me and our family, I have a husband and 2 beautiful boys that need me right now. Zeke is okay in heaven he is better than okay. He is were we all want to be right now.

I am trying to look at this whole tragedy in a new light. David had told me a few weeks back that even tho it doesn't seem fair and it doesn't make sense right now, God knows and there may have been something that would happen down the road. Something that might have kept Zeke from going to heaven or maybe he knew that as hard as it was to loose him like we did we may not have survived him being so sick and having so many complications and eventually watching him take his last breath. So maybe we are blinded some days by God's grace and even tho it is not what we prayed for and even tho the answer we got hurts like hell, maybe God saw something worse and spared us. So is God actually blessing us by not giving us what we asked for? I think he just might have.

Here is a few of her lyrics that stuck out to me.....

What if it took a 1,000 sleepless nights to know that he is near
What if blessings come from raindrops
What if healing comes from tears

1 comment:

  1. thank you for sharing your journey