Thursday, February 10, 2011

secret tears still flow

A friend sent me this and this is EXACTLY how i feel. Still I don't understand how 1 day you feel great and then the next day you feel like it all happened yesterday. I was laying down with the boys last night and we were laughing and talking and all of a sudden i got all choked up (so glad we were laying in the dark) thinking how we will never be complete again. People always say when they have that baby "ah our family is finally complete" I am heartbroken to think that mine will never feel that way. Apart of us will always be missing and no amount of time will change that. Having another baby will never replace him. Apart of us will always be missing and that is scary to realize that. It hurts to think that Elijah and Malachi may not remember him one day. When will they stop drawing him in the family pictures they make? How do I keep him alive and apart of our family with out sounding like I cant get passed loosing him? So this quote is exactly where I am at right now. I feel lost, scared, alone and sad. I am honored and humbled by all of you who think I am so "STRONG" & "BRAVE" but I am not, I am purely surviving and hiding behind this blog most days with tears running down my face and a box of tissues in my hands. Then I close my laptop and I "suck" it up and be a wife, a mom, daughter, sister, and friend the best that I can and most days I feel like I fail but each day is a new day and hopefully it will be better.

"No fairwell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness, and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know." ~Unknown

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