7 years ago.... ELIJAH RAY

Wow! I can't believe my baby is 7! And he is so close to being 10! How did this happen? I feel like I put him to bed in his baby bed yesterday and then this morning I woke up to a 7 year old who plays outside all day w/ his friends, reads me a bedtime story, loves to go to school, & plays video games! It is so incredible how fast they grow up! I remember when i was pregnant w/ him people would tell me to just sit back and enjoy him and hold him & cuddle him as much as I could because before I knew it they would be starting kindergarten & I was thinking Yeah right, Me w/ a 5 yr old that seems like a lifetime away! So I did hold him that fist year as much as I could if I wasn't working I was holding him and I remember people telling me not to hold him so much he would be spoiled, but all I could think about was how could I not hold him?! Now 7 years later I am sitting here wondering if I give him a quarter will he let me hold him for a few minutes! LOL I am blown away on how wonderful my life has been since Elijah came into it. I remember there being hard times trying to figure out the mommy role, but there were plenty more Great times!

I remember when he was born he didn't want to come out he was 8 days late and had to be dragged out my stomach..... He has been like that every since! He does things on his own time and is not one to be talked into doing anything new... he wants someone else to try it first & then he will decide if he wants to try it. He is the most loveable, sweetest, kindest little boy you will ever meet. He is so concerned about everyone around him that we sometimes forgets that he is just a kid. He is extremely sensitive and everything has to be just right. He is full of funny and crazy stories. Elijah is a complete daddy's boy and has been since the day he came into this world. I remember I would walk him and walk him when he was fussy & I could not get him to sleep, so then daddy would step in & w/in 5 min he had that little baby snoring! When he was about 3 he was doing the spiderman sign and instead of the right fingers he stuck out his 2 middle fingers, I told him how we can not stick out those fingers by themselves becaus they mean a bad thing. He thought about it for a minute and then w/ a puzzled look on his face he said "Yeah but mom didn't you say God made all my fingers? So why would he make 2 that where bad?" When he was @ his 5 year old check up @ the doctor getting his eye test she pointed to a plus sign and he said, "Oh that is the cross that Jesus died on!"

Now 7 years later my little baby is now a boy who loves Star Wars, basketball, baseball, hunting, lego's & video games! He is all boy and he is growing up way to fast for his momma! Happy Birthday Elijah Ray Gordon! Your mommy loves you and is soo proud of you! You are a loving, sweet, caring little boy who will always be loved and adored by his momma!!! =)

Living in the Present...

Fall Break is over ..... It was so nice to park my car for 9 days & just hang out @ home w/ the boys! We have some new neighboors that the boys just love to play with and their mom and I had daily coffee dates to chat about girl stuff.. It was so fun to not be on any kind of schedule and to just relax and know all i had to do was have dinner ready by 630 each evening. The boys had such a great time playing that they cried a few nights when the street lights came on & that meant they had to come inside, then they would scarf down lunch & dinner in the same sitting.

They made a clubhouse w/ their buddies, played football, rode bikes, tried to hunt down the Mountain Lion they were so sure was in our wooded area behind the house... You name it those boys did it and they came in each night dirty and exausted, but at the same time they were so completely happy it ...was exciting to watch. They are not my babies anymore they can now go outside and play all day long & not need their mommy! As Elijah stated.... I am a big boy who likes to hunt, fish, play football, & grind (whatever that means.. LOL) on my skate board! Each night I was able to steal some cuddles while we watched a movie or our favorite Icarly. Elijah helped me cook mac & cheese for lunch 1 day and boy did he feel so proud when it turned out delicious. =) Malachi showed me his computer skills he has learned at school & i was very impressed before long he will be teaching me how to do things ....

I vividly remember the days when they were both toddling around in just their diapers & I would dream of the day when they were both in school, could get their own snack, go to sleep by themselves, most importantly the day i could go pee w/out an audience! Especially after watching them this week I did some reminiscing to those days when they were babies & I feel like i was always looking ahead to the next step or the next chapter in our life of "i cant wait until are out of diapers or I can't wait until that day when they can buckle themselves in the car" Oh how I wish I could go back and cherish those times and not be in such a hurry to move on to the next day or the next stage in our life. Their is a song out called "Your gonna miss this" it is so true we are constantly looking ahead at what is coming that to often than not we completely miss what is happening today! So this week instead of doing loads of laundry and cleaning my bathrooms & floors I just stayed in the moment and I enjoyed my kids coming in & out of the house all day to give me hugs & kisses. I told them all week how much I loved them and how I was so lucky to have them in my life!

It's the little things .....

I have gotten hooked... on blog reading & I was thinking why dont i do my own? Its relaxing, theraputic, and a chance to enjoy my wonderful cup of coffee the craziness of my life w/ all our friends and family. It seems like life seems to pass my by and before i know it has been 3 months since i have been on here and so much as happened that its just to much to write. So i have decided to do just a little bit each day & see how i go.....

I was watching an episode of Oprah the other day and she had a lady on there who had been burned over 80% of her body during a plane crash. As they took us into her house and I saw the pictures of her before hand and video's of her and children & I guess what shocked me was how happy she was w/ her life now! Today she is not that picture model she was 3 years ago, but today she is a mother who doesn't take her life for granted she is not mad over the spilled drinks in the living room, the constant MOM MOM MOM MOM hey MOM!! She has been thru a horindeous ordeal, but yet as she sat on that couch talking to Oprah she said she would get back on that airplane knowing it would blow up. This experience changed her it made her take a step back and cherish the things i know i take for granted , like running thru the park w/ my boys or giving them a bath, Yet when they do say MOM MOM MOM hey MOM .... that isn't fingernails on the chaulk board it is the most sweatest thing coming out of the sweatest little boy that God gave me!

So as I sit here I feel guilty. I feel guilty for snapping @ my kids, or for telling them to just go to there room cause i have a headache or sitting there reading a book on the park bench when I should be pushing them on a swing or going down the slide. It all goes by so quick and yes we love our children and we are so thankful for them, but do we really appreciate them and what they have brought into our daily life?

Back to the grind!

Well we are home from our vacation we got in last week left the grand canyon on thursday morning and arrived in our driveway 36 hours later! We were determined to drive until we got into our own beds. It was insane and crazy but between the 2 of us we made it and switched off driving while the other 1 slept. The boys did amaising and we are proud to say that are kids are wonderful travelers they did not complain until about the last 2 hours. So we now know that our max of car driving is 34 hours straight! LOL

We got home friday and then the boys and I thru are clothes into another suitcase and we went down to florida for about 4 days. Poor david had to stay here and go back to work (yucky) he was a good sport and let us continue our vacation for a few more days.Elijah caught a huge fish in the lake behind my moms house. It was quite funny without david there to unhook it i was quit nervous, but dad came in and saved the day. We had a great time spending time with Grandma and the tickle monster (grandpa). My sister was home so i got to spend a lot of quality time with her which was great. Thursday we made 1 more trip to the beach and then headed back to GA to sleep in our own beds after 3 1/2 weeks of being gone.

Summer is over we headed straight to wally world and target to get school supplies and school clothes. It is hard to believe that we are past another fun filled summer and that my kids are gonna be in 1st grade and kindergarten.......(little teary eyed)

who the heck knows what day it is??? 2nd week i know....

We have been quite busy the last week. We have been all around the west coast and down to California. We went to the Tree's of Mystery and then to a water park in Sacremento. We got to hang out with some old friends from bible school and we got to see our cosin Matt and hang out with him for a little while. We made it to the Oregon Coast, Portland Zoo and to Burgerville about every other night while we were in Oregon. I had a great time getting in touch with some girlfriends i went to elementary school with and then we had a great family picnic with all my aunts and uncles and their kids. It was very hard to say goodbye to grandma and all the family. Uncle Monty made a cute video of us driving off into the sunset after working very hard to pack our car up.

day 5 (WY, ID, OR, & WA)

So we made it to Oregon and then we went across the river to WA to see my aunt and her family. Its only been 48 hours since we left Iowa but I tell you what we have done alot in the last 48 hours!

We left Iowas @ 10pm friday nite and drove straight to Riverton WY. My friend Kelli from high school lived there with her husband and adorable kids. She let us come crash her house for a couple of hours and rod horses (wich the boys absolutly loved and havent stopped talking about) we had lunch and let the kids play together then we loaded up and drove the rest of the way to Jackson Hole WY wich was about 16 hours total. By this time david had been up since 8am friday night and it was now 5pm saturday. We got to the resort and unloaded and hurried downtown to join the chuckwagon dinner show. It was fun to ride old covered wagons and eat a dutch oven prepared dinner while we watched the show they preformed (elijah went up at the very last and helped with the song) By this time it was 930pm and i was exausted let alone my poor husband! LOL Needless to say we went back to the resort and we CRASHED!

The next morning we woke up and walked around the town and took some fun pictures. We headed across the Teton Mountains and were Oregon bound by 12 noon! We went across the mountains and found snow wich was awesome to play in while wearing flip flops and shorts! =) We had a few issues with our GPS wich didnt take into account that some roads were closed and under construction so we got sent this wacky detour down this never ending highway and ran into enough constuction for the summer! We came to realize that their is nothing in Idaho except construction and Potatoes!! We got through Idaho and stopped at Jack & the box for dinner and headed to our destination!!! We were both quite delirious while driving that last leg to Susan's house but we made it about 1am.

The boys are having a blast with the girls and have not stopped playing since we got here. We are going to the Oregon Zoo tomorrow and then off to my Grandma's in Albany Tuesday evening for some yummy cavetelli =)

Day 2 .......

We went out side last night and played on the scooters nand Aunt Melody showed the boys how to play hopscotch. They then raced eachother and Jenna on scooters and then we came in and watched a movie and ate some yummy pie they made!

It has been a great visit and it is hard to believe that we still have so much more to do! David had a good night sleep last nite and will be sure to take plenty of naps during the day. We have been doing 4 hour drive shifts in the car and seems to be working very well! This is the last night we will be driving thru the night so if we can get thru that we will be doing wonderful! I posted it all the pics on FB and will do a few on the blog it just doesnt work as fast on here.

The boys kept getting confused because Uncle Terry sounds so much like my dad (grandpa) they kepts calling for him and asking him why are you talking so much like our grandpa! We told them they are brothers so they act alot alike, Malachi said "if your brothers than why do you live so far away? your supposed to live together if your brothers!" LOL so cute

We were worried that they might have a hard time warming up to everybody because it is so many new people and new surroundings.......yeah not gonna be a problem it took them about 15 seconds to get comfortable here with Uncle Terry & his family so i am not worried at all about being in OR. We are all havign a blast and with day 2 in full swing I am sure there will be many more fun things said and silly things we all do!

Yum Yum Yum!

Uncle Terry's Home made Cinnamon Rolls!

day 2...already confused on the days....

So I am sitting here eating yummy home made cinnamon rolls made by Terry! Last night was fun we hung around the house and ate yummy PARTY DIP, Apple Pies.....

Gordon Cross Country!

So we did it we made the decision and we stuck with it and we saved, and we packed and we loaded up and then by even our shock we drove off..... With many destinations in sight the farthest being OREGON! I know you are saying "your crazy!!" I know we are insane..... but we thought this would be a great adventure that would be filled with good and hopefully not to many not so good memories for all of us to remember years from now!

David took over as the planner and travel guide, while i was in charge of packing and loading everything (including our BIG ol'e BOX FAN) into the trunk of our nissan altima. I know small car well the gas mileage over ruled the roominess we might of found in a larger vehicle! I got suprisingly all of our clothes into 3 suitcases, a bag for our bathroom stuff, our laptop, bag of snacks, baseball bag full of bats, mits, and bballs, I also got 2 scooters all in the trunk! You can thank my dad for teaching me how to pack a car! LOL! Thank goodness we have little people in the back seat so i was able to put a backpack of goodies (toys and food) for each of them, a cooler, 2 movie screens with headphones and a big pack of DVD's!

So we took off @ about 8pm by the time we gassed up and got dinner and before we knew it we were in TN and the boys were jamin out to the theme song of Icarly & Ducktales with their headphones on (it was sooo cute)! By 11pm they had both turned off their movies I said their goodnite prayer and they were out for the night! Malachi woke up briefly when we stopped @ 4am but went right back to sleep. David drove first and then i took over once we got to nashville, the poor guy had been up working since 430am that morning! I drove until we got to Missouri about 4 hours i was so proud of myself =) David then took over and he took us the rest of the way! We made it thru St. Lois and finaly Iowa! I was unable to get any pictures of the state signs because those little stinkers just kept sneaking up on me with absolutly no warning! I got a few pictures of street signs and you can barely make out the Arches in St. Louis.

Long story short Day 1 was amaising and driving at night was so worth the lack of sleep on me and David's part. The boys are troupers and we are very excited to see what the next 2 1/2 weeks bring in memories! I will be posting blogs as often as i can get internet! =)

I am trying to post pictures, but i dont know they are loading properly so they may have be on the next post!

are we ready?

I am ready to try again! Now that we know how much we both want another baby I can not wait until it happens again. I thought I would be scared to even think about it, but now i am just anxious and excited to get trying! I dont know how long its gonna take or how hard it will be to concieve, but I do know one thing we all want a baby =) I went to bed early last night because i just didn't want to think about loosing the baby anymore it has been such a long week. I dont want to ever forget what happend and I know I wont, but i also want to move on so badly from this. The boys don't understand why my belly still looks big and I keep having to tell them its not cause the baby is in there it is because mommy hasn't exercised in awhile =) This horiable week has definatly made me relax as a mom and not stress over the fights between the kids and the whining and tantrums instead it has reminded me that yeah they may drive me crazy sometimes but they are healthy happy and the highlight of my day. So cross your fingers, pray, send happy thoughts, whatever you do for good luck and hopefully we will have another little Gordon before 2 long. FYI..... Been there done that and am definatly not gonna share the news until we are out of the danger zone time frame, but will gladly take all the prayers and well wishes we can get.

I was doing okay until the time came when we had to tell the boys about the baby. When we found out we were pregnant David and I talked about when we should tell them and how soon they would understand about the baby inside me. I wanted to tell them right away I didnt want to keep this from them when they had been asking for so long for a baby.

When we told them last nite the look on their face killed me. I never thought that they would understand at such a young age but they did. Elijah started crying and headed up to his room and David grabbed him and they just clung to eachother and cried, we all cried and at that moment everything stood still and nothing else mattered all of us mourned for our little baby. Malachi asked where the baby was and we told him that God took the baby to heaven and that Nannie and my Grandpa were holding it and taking care of it until it was our turn to go to heaven. It is amaising how smart our kids are I had no idea they would be able to understand or comprehend what happened, but as they do often they suprised me and they were the best comfort i could have.

I layed in bed with them last night and we read books and we said our prayers and they cuddled with my David and it was so sweet and precious and at that moment I was so thankful for the wonderful family i have and the joy my boys and my husband bring to me on a daily basis. I know i will get past this and I know that the pain will subside, but i pray that i will never forget how short and precious life is. Whether it is only for a few weeks of life inside me or if it is for many years, every day is a gift and every child no matter how old is an amaising precious gift from God!

what a day.....

My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my heart hurt. I have already gone thru a couple phases of grief today. I was shoked, sad and now i am down right mad! Why did this happen? Why do i hav to tell my little boys they are not gonna have a baby! They dont understand that it would of happened whether i got out of bed or not this weekend. Unfortunatly we dont have any medical answers on why it happened. I dont want it to happen again, so do i take the chance of getting preggo again or do I trust God with the size my family is and accept that their will be no more babies? I am afraid i am going to get obbsesive about getting pregnant now and every month I will be dissapointed. I have started reading the SHACK again and am hoping that, that will help me not blame God or blame him for this terriable loss.

i have joined the unwanted club..........

Well here i am on this blog and i dont really know what to say except that i know a big part of my grieving process is journaling and i figured i would go this route instead of in my personal journal. Not because i want everyone in my buisness, but because i know i am not the only one that feels this way and maybe you can relate.

I lost my baby! The baby that was clinging to life inside my body, the baby that needed me 2 survive.The baby that david and i were not planning to have, the baby that was so wanted and loved, the baby that would of had the best big brothers in the world., the baby that was supposed to be here on Christmas Day, I lost our baby!

I dont know how exactly i am supposed to feel, but i think i am feeling it all. I feel hurt, angry, sad, confused, shocked. How do you grieve for a baby you have never met? How do you grieve for something as little and as tiny as that baby? What is the good out of all this? I dont see the big picture and yes God does, but why does he let us hurt so bad is that his way of getting us to look forward 2 heaven that much more? Does he really shed tears for us when we also are grieving? Why does he put himself through all that if he knows it is all gonna happen in the end? Dont get me wrong i am not questioning my faith i love God and I know deep down he has a purpose and a plan for my life, but why does life have to suck so much at times when we dont think it could be worse? Has he forgoten what a crappy year i have had and how much pain and turmoil it has been. Why does it all have to happen together. Yes everything that has happened has made me stronger in the long run but i have not forgotten how much it sucked going thru it. Can he not have a little sympathy and spread it out over the course of my life? I dont believe that saying people say "oh well God only gives you as much as you can handle" I am sorry thats crap because I could live my life and days very happy and fullfilled with out the loss of my baby and other famiily loss. I can not imagine how people handle the loss of a child they have held and loved and talked to! I know we came very close to loosing Malachi when he was a baby and i know i had never prayed so hard for him to live and God heard me then and I thank God so much for answering my prayers, but why didnt he answer this prayer? I asked him to save this baby like my last and he didnt answer. Well he didnt answer in the way i thought he would. His answer was different than what i had in mind. What makes one prayer get answered that the other one doesn't? Is it because it because my realationship is not that strong? I am not crazy radically sold out to God like i used to? I love God as passionatly as i did when i got saved, but know instead of praying and reading my bible in the morning with a cup of coffee I have to do it in the carpool line or driving in the car. Why do i feel guilty that it is not the quality time it used to be? Am i being punished for not praying as much or as hard? I know others have it so much worse than i do and i know i was not that far along as others have been when they have lost their baby, but it doesnt make the pain any less real for me. This sucks! And I feel like i screwed up, wondering what i did wrong with this pregnancy. and logically i know i didnt do anything wrong or i could of prevented it, but emotionally i do feel at fault. I had 2 wonderful pregnancy's with the boys and i couldnt carry this baby what happend? yeah yeah your thinking it was not a healthy baby and this was natures way of taking care of it, but why wasnt it healthy? I know all this is something that i can ask God when I get 2 heaven and I can add it to the long list of ?'s I have for him, it doesnt help me now.

All I can think of right now is that our baby is dancing and playing with my grandpa and with nannie. I will one day see my baby in heaven and i one day will get to hold my baby, knowing that tho doesnt make the pain any easier, I wanted that baby more than i ever thought i wanted a baby

We are off to Malachi's soccer game, he is so excited to be playing and we are so glad that we have found something that he likes to do. Baseball was not his thing and he found it quite boring last year. I also was informed of picture day at school tomorrow so i will have to come howe and try and find something clean for them to wear tomorrow. I admit we do not have dress clothes for them, they wear uniforms for school and then @ church we have a different series each month and with that they were a tshirt to match so when it comes to pictures i am always at a loss on what to put them in i dont want pictures of their school uniforms, but i dont want them wearing transformer tshirts either LOL well wish me luck i will let ya know and post pictures of what i decide ;)

getting serious...

Alright so i have been wanting to get this blog thing going, but i honestly forget to do it until i look at my friends on facebook and see they have their website. if for anything i need to be doing this to chroniclized (spelling LOL) the boys and our crazy life. So that are family who lives all over can be a part of it.
Alot has been going on the boys have started spring sports and that is an adventure. Elijah is playing baseball wich is coached by his dad and Malachi is playing soccer. So far thanks to the rain we have not been able to do to much but i am sure we will be quite busy in the weeks ahead going from soccer to baseball, while i run myself ragged trying not to miss a minute of each of them playing.

We have one more week until spring break and we are so excited i just hope that the weather agrees with us and we can be outside the whole time. We are trying to figure out how to get down to florida to see grandma and grandpa but between all the sports and mom and dad still having to work i dont know if it will work out.