Monday, May 31, 2010

a week later.....

I have so much in my head that I want to get out, I don't know if any of it will make sense......

Normal, is that even possible after the last week we have had? What is normal anymore? Schedule's, routines, back to our everyday plans. Today that started. My parents went home today. David goes back to work on Tuesday and the boys finish their last week of school this week. Both the boys have 2 baseball game's and baseball parties to go to this week and I just want to crawl in bed and pull the cover's over my head and tell it all to stop!! I am not ready to go back to normal! My baby just died, I am not ready to ever go back to normal. I need my parents here, I need my husband here, I need a nice calm week of just being at the house. I can't go back to normal!!

As I lay here writing this blog it just amaises me how heavy the night makes it feel. How deep the grief runs when everything is quiet and still. It drives me crazy, its not like I don't think about him during the day. My heart doesn't ache for him anymore at 8pm than it does around lunch time. My body literally ache's for my baby! I still can't imaging that this is all true and this all happened. This stuff doesn't happen to normal people right? You are supposed to hear about these type of stories on TV, not have the story be about you!

Its been a week. A week since I went into the hospital to deliver Zeke. A week since we no longer could hold on to a sliver of hope that maybe just maybe God would still heal him and we would be greated with that beautiful sound a his newborn cry. A week ago I entered into the "unwanted club". A week ago I had to sign a death certificate instead of a birth certificate.

Speaking of the death certificate, I really want to make a suggestion to those people. Down on the bottom you have to sign your name. Beside your name you have to write down the relationship to the deceased. To me that was worse than anything else I had to sign that day. "MOTHER" I had to write the word mother of the deceased. It took me a min or so to be able to do it, it took my breathe away. I looked at the funeral director before I signed it, thinking are you absolutly positive he is gone? Then I thought why don't they have a checklist of relationships and just let you mark a box, why do they make you write out that name "mother"?

I pulled out his footprints last night and just looked at them, trying to imagine the feel of his skin against my hands. Wondering if I would of had to push his skin past his nailbeds like I did with his brother Malachi? I wondered if he would have crazy toes like his mom or really long toenails like his dad. His footprints may have been tiny.......but they made such an impression on our hearts. Zeke's life may have been short, but it was full of God's love for his family and everyone else who loved him and prayed for him. No little piggy songs to be sung w/ his little toes, no tickling of his feet to watch him squeal with delight. No first steps........

Nurse Janice had a great idea, she recommended putting his footprints in our bible. David and I have Zeke's footprints on the inside of our bible and it is the most precious keepsake I could of asked for. She also went above and beyond and found 2 little white new testamant bibles for each of the boys & put Zeke's footprints in those as well.

Ezekiel "Zeke" William
May 25th 2010 Born straight into Heaven
2 pounds 3 ounses and 15 1/2 inches long


  1. Ya'll are so incredibly amazing to me. the strength that you and David have shown through this is awe inspiring, and this whole ordeal has been a testament to me. I see God through you. What a wonderful gift that is, and a wonderful gift that sweet, precious angel baby is. I have posted his footprints on my FB profile, so that I can pass along your story to others that inquire about why that picture is on my page, so I can tell your story of great strength and courage. And tell of what a MIGHTY God we serve. I am in continuous prayer for you, David, the boys and the rest of your extended family. I will never ever forget the impact this small, sweet, blessing we call Zeke William Gordon has had on my life. Through you Stef, he has forever changed me too. Love you and always praying for you!

  2. Stef my computer crashed so I am using my husbands phone to type this... I can't believe it has already been a week since you had to say goodbye to zeke . I know the road ahead is long and that you will find a new "normal" but I especially feel for you these first few months and wish you were surrounded by loved ones, so i just pray you feel his overwhelming love and his ministering angels

  3. Praying for you. Praying that you will allow yourself time to grieve and know that although everyone is going back to a routine that you by no means are expected to live life as you once did. Take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute or hour at a time. God is with you, and knows your heart, your brokenness. It is your season to grieve your precious baby boy Zeke.