I have been trying to figure out how to write this update. With all that I have written this is the hardest & probably the most honest post I will write.
Monday I decided at the last min to call the specialist and see if he could squeeze me on Tuesday. I was starting to get nervous & really wanted my mom to go with me. They called me the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in no problem. I was calm & excited to see our baby on the ultrasound & full of complete faith that I would walk in and see a beautiful healthy baby girl. Back up a few weeks & I had a conversation w/ God, actually I had a yelling match w/ God. I was laying on my bed pounding the mattress w/ my fist, crying out to him "Please Please don't make me have to hold my baby girl & watch her die in our arms. Please God show me mercy!" I say this with alot of anxiety, I don't want to be judged & I don't want anyone to think I don't love this little boy! Because you have no idea how much I look forward to being a mother of 3 beautiful boys! As a mother w/ 2 boys we thought a little girl would complete our family we dreamed of pink dresses and bows in her curly hair. We pictured her big brother's watching out for and being her bodyguard. Daddy wanted his little girl, just like momma had her little boy's. I was sitting on that bed watching the ultrasound & I saw our precious little boy! @ that moment it hit me God just showed me a glimps of mercy & I just became numb...the doctor didn't have to say anything because when she introduced me to the genetic counselor I knew it was bad .
She explained to us the whole situation and all theu "what if's" she was wonderful and sweet & someone I would love to hang out with if it was under completely different circumstances. She gave us a lot of information & talked w/ us for almost 2 hours. By the time we left we were just overwhelmed w/ information & shock of the results. There are 3 parts of our brain that tells us to do things, the part in the middle that controls our breathing & tells us to swallow is completely missing, not underdeveloped or broke, it is COMPLETELY MISSING! How does that happen, how does such a vital part of our existance just not exist? Not to mention about 4 other abnormailites that they saw, but if they were all seperate it wouldn't be a problem to meet w/ a surgon to try and get them fixed, but because they are all combined somehow to the babies makeup. I am not going to get into detail mainly so i can see the screen and not ruin my keyboard with all the wet tears. But know this we need nothing short of a miracle to save our little boy. I know there our people all across this world praying for him.