Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Yesterday was hard, Yesterday was agonizing & then everything that I needed to get done last night was just magnified to the point I thought I was going to hyper ventilate. I have got a lot of comments from people saying how strong I have been & I feel honored that you think so. Yesterday I wasn't strong, yesterday I was a wreck, I could not stop my eyes from welling up all day just when you think letting it all out will make you feel better. It doesn't it made me feel worse. I couldn't help but think of things NO MOTHER should every have to think about let alone research. Yes there is still plenty of room for a miracle & I am trusting God completly for his will to be done & hoping his will is my wish 4 a healthy baby w/ our family. But as we all know some prayer's just aren't answered in the way we expect them. Last night I found a photographer who is involved w/ "Now I lay me down to sleep", she will be there when we go into labor and will volunteer her time to take pictures of us w/ him. I was stressing out about having to pay for a funeral if God's plan is to take him straight to heaven. I found out that most funeral homes don't charge for a baby memorial. How sad that I actually felt relief & thought okay we can give our son a proper burial with not having to worry about money. I know it is pathetic and so many people are probably yelling at the blog right now saying I am not giving God a chance to heal my baby, its not over yet and that I just need to stay strong! I would say that you; are so off base. I want nothing more than to have God heal my baby, I do not want to bury my son, I do not want to look at every baby boy & think what if?! I don't want to watch my 2 little boys grieve for their baby brother. I do not want to look at a c/section scare for the rest of my life & know I chose that over a natural birth to give him a chance to be born alive, so we could meet him. As much as I don't want that & w/ all my heart I would do anything for him to live, his short life may be our future. How I am dealing w/ it now will be totally different than how I deal w/ it the day he is born.

I am petrified, sad, freaked out, angry, jealous, stressed & every other emotion you can imagine, but I can tell you we are still laughing & telling jokes. The Joy of the Lord is an amaising thing & it is all over our house. I can not imagine going thru this with out God, with out our faith. Because of him I have been able to get out of bed in the morning, because of him the littlest task of making coffee doesn't seem so impossible. I love the fact that our marriage is stronger than ever, & that rock I prayed so hard for is my wonderful husband. He is getting me thru this & we are helping eachother celebrate each day of our pregnancy. Our Parents & family have been wonderful. They let us be completely honest w/ our feelings whether they are right, wrong, or just plain insane. My mom has offered to come out (8 hour drive) when I have appts if david can't get off work, so I don't have to go by myself (I love you momma!) I may have a bad day, but then the next day is okay & okay for me right now is what you might call your great day.

I am sorry if this was a sad, somber post, but it is what I have felt the last few days & just like this came all of a sudden, my joy will come back soon & I will post a more postitive blog.


  1. I love your honesty. Please continue to stay true to yourself and God through this experience.

    This emotional roller coaster will no doubt bring out a million different emotions as the days go by. Allow yourself to feel them all and express them in the way you believe you should.

    Don't let anyone make you think you have to be "strong" or stay "positive" all the time. There will be days when you feel strong, and other days when you feel like a pile of mush .. days when you are optimistic and days when it seems like your world is falling apart.

    Thank you for allowing the rest of us to follow your journey. I think about, and pray for you every day!


  2. Stef, I love u!! I think what u write is beautiful. I love that u share your true emotions with us. That u dont hide any of it. You deserve to feel whatever u want to feel! We are all sharing those same emotions with you. I think of you often and pray for you even more. Dont lose sight of God....