Yesterday was hard, Yesterday was agonizing & then everything that I needed to get done last night was just magnified to the point I thought I was going to hyper ventilate. I have got a lot of comments from people saying how strong I have been & I feel honored that you think so. Yesterday I wasn't strong, yesterday I was a wreck, I could not stop my eyes from welling up all day just when you think letting it all out will make you feel better. It doesn't it made me feel worse. I couldn't help but think of things NO MOTHER should every have to think about let alone research. Yes there is still plenty of room for a miracle & I am trusting God completly for his will to be done & hoping his will is my wish 4 a healthy baby w/ our family. But as we all know some prayer's just aren't answered in the way we expect them. Last night I found a photographer who is involved w/ "Now I lay me down to sleep", she will be there when we go into labor and will volunteer her time to take pictures of us w/ him. I was stressing out about having to pay for a funeral if God's plan is to take him straight to heaven. I found out that most funeral homes don't charge for a baby memorial. How sad that I actually felt relief & thought okay we can give our son a proper burial with not having to worry about money. I know it is pathetic and so many people are probably yelling at the blog right now saying I am not giving God a chance to heal my baby, its not over yet and that I just need to stay strong! I would say that you; are so off base. I want nothing more than to have God heal my baby, I do not want to bury my son, I do not want to look at every baby boy & think what if?! I don't want to watch my 2 little boys grieve for their baby brother. I do not want to look at a c/section scare for the rest of my life & know I chose that over a natural birth to give him a chance to be born alive, so we could meet him. As much as I don't want that & w/ all my heart I would do anything for him to live, his short life may be our future. How I am dealing w/ it now will be totally different than how I deal w/ it the day he is born.
I am petrified, sad, freaked out, angry, jealous, stressed & every other emotion you can imagine, but I can tell you we are still laughing & telling jokes. The Joy of the Lord is an amaising thing & it is all over our house. I can not imagine going thru this with out God, with out our faith. Because of him I have been able to get out of bed in the morning, because of him the littlest task of making coffee doesn't seem so impossible. I love the fact that our marriage is stronger than ever, & that rock I prayed so hard for is my wonderful husband. He is getting me thru this & we are helping eachother celebrate each day of our pregnancy. Our Parents & family have been wonderful. They let us be completely honest w/ our feelings whether they are right, wrong, or just plain insane. My mom has offered to come out (8 hour drive) when I have appts if david can't get off work, so I don't have to go by myself (I love you momma!) I may have a bad day, but then the next day is okay & okay for me right now is what you might call your great day.
I am sorry if this was a sad, somber post, but it is what I have felt the last few days & just like this came all of a sudden, my joy will come back soon & I will post a more postitive blog.