It has been awhile since I have been on here & I am sorry for not being current on my updates, but I have good reason! I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT W/ GOD! =)
It is hard to believe it has been 12 days since the ground underneath fell threw. I have been through so many emotion's and feeling's it is overwhelming. I am not going to sugar coat my feelings hear & if you don't like them or don't believe I should be feeling this way... a dear friend told me "Opinion's are like garbage...we all have them & they all stink!" LOL I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to be honest with you, myself but more importantly to God, he already knows the way we feel. Yet we so many of us think that if we don't express our true feeling's then maybe he will never know.
God has brought me so far and it has only been 12 days! I have gone from loving my baby, to hating the fact I may have a sick baby growing inside me. I have gone from loving God to being angry with God. I have gone from cloud 9 all the way down to feeling like I am in the pit of hell. I have been jealous of all the families with 3 healthy children, to praying that I could hold my 3rd little one alive for just 1 min. I am reminded of the part in the Shack when Papa tells Mack, "When you are buried in your pain, perhaps you loose sight of me." I have been buried in my pain, I have been buried in my pain so deeply that I have treated my children differently, I have been mad at my husband for him handling this better (even tho that is what I prayed for).I have been so buried in my pain that I considered doing something totally against my beliefs.... I wanted to terminate this pregnancy. I was going to be responsible of stopping my child's heart, because I was to scared to travel this long scary road ahead of me. As hard as that was to share with everyone, it also has so much freedom to it as well. As much as I wanted to believe that would be strong in the midst of a trial, I wasn't I fell apart & I was ashamed & wondering where I really was in my relationship w/ God. I as a mother justified everything I believe so strongly about because I felt it would be worse on my boys if they held their dying baby in their arms vs me just having a "miscarriage."
I have come to realize in the last week, that no matter the feeling's or the emotion's, I am still a child of God & he still loves me. I have felt the love and compassion for my baby more this last week than I can imagine. My faith has been restored,(I admit is still the size of a mustard seed, but last week it wasn't even that) my confidence has been lifted, & my compassion has multiplied beyond measure. I talked about in one of my previous post's about how I felt angry with God about how I didn't understand why this was happening to me. A very wise friend suggested a different viewpoint. Honor... Feel Honored that God is trusting you with such a tough trial. So many people would turn their back on God, but believing that God trust's David and I to cling to him, to trust him, & to believe that no matter what the end result is we will believe that he will turn these ashes into beauty.
So that is what I am going to do. I am going to trust God in this scary time, I am going to love my boys & talk to them about the baby like she is going to live. I am going to believe that my baby will live & not die! Now I am not naive & I know that I will still have horrible days & will still shed many tears, @ least now I will allow God to walk with me & I will remember that just because God made something good out of a terrible situation, does not mean he orchestrated that situation. God does not need a tragedy to accomplish his purpose in our life.