As I was putting on my makeup this afternoon, yes I didn't get dressed until this afternoon. I was thinking that I needed to buy waterproof mascara when I go to the store next time. Then I got thinking someone needs to invent tear proof makeup all around. This last week I felt like putting on makeup has just been a waste of time, because in no time it would be "cried off". I was actually pretty surprised because I hadn't cried in almost 2 days, I was starting to wonder if I was in denial and then I walked into my kitchen and saw that my dishwasher did a terrible job of cleaning my dishes & the water works just started flowing! I felt my chest get tight and the whole world just fall beneath me! I could not even focus on getting the boys a snack, so I opened up the pantry and put everything on the table & went to my bed & cried my eyes out basically it was a tantrum. I couldn't get myself together, I felt like I was drowning in my tears all I wanted was for David to get home & rescue me. Eventually by the grace of God, pulled it together and was able to get David some dinner shortly after he got home.
I was reminded of a poem my Grandma wrote. She wrote this right before my Grandpa lost his battle to cancer 15 years ago. I have asked her permission to include it tonight because honestly every second that I ask God to help me breathe, I have to remind myself of her poem. I have printed off a copy and I have put it in my purse so I can look at it anytime I need to.
As a very young girl, my heart searched for love,
I prayed, “God in heaven, send me one you chose from above”
You gave to me the perfect sweetheart, so many hopes and dreams we
Shared; the one constant joy in our life, was that we always knew, you cared.
There were wonderful days, many victories won,
There were sad days, like the day we lost our baby son.
Our lives were blessed by our six children, that we dedicated back to you,
We loved them so much and prayed, to you they’d be true.
Along with the joy of our children, you gave us an added treat,
Our sweet precious grandchildren gathered at our feet.
We hadn’t imagined that one of us would leave so soon, and for those left
Behind, a great sorrow we now share.
Please, God, as in the days of my youth, come help us to know your with us
And still care.
The days will be lonely and the nights hard to bear, I’m comforted and not
Afraid of tomorrow, because You God, are already there.
Our final joy as we meet in heaven, our life will be complete,
We’ll join with our family, and gather at your feet
Since the day of creation, sending us Jesus, you shared,
May mankind that comes after us, know the same knowledge,
That You Cared!!!
Written: November 15, 1994 4:30 am
By: Henrietta R. Pearce
I never imagined I would be faced with such a hard trial, & I admit in the midst of all the pain it is so hard to remember that "God Cares", because honestly it doesn't even feel like he knows my name. What I have learned in my struggles is that no matter how mad, upset, or angry I get @ God as long as I am honest w/ him my relationship will grow. I do believe that it is those trials that make you who you are but honestly I have been through the fear of possibly losing Malachi when he was a baby, as far as I am considered I have been through the crap. Obviously God doesn't think so. What I have learned these last few day's is that I may have gone through some crap before, but I didn't gain the faith, compassion, nor the respect so many families deserve because they themselves have had life threatening situations with there children.
On a positive note, I believe my belly has grown since last Thursday so that is promising! We are still believing in a miracle. I have proclaimed Life over this baby & I am so thankful that everyday I wake up, God tells me "okay today you can do this, just think of today & believe in yourself & I will help you breathe."