Sunday, May 16, 2010

The BAG.....

I keep putting it off.
I keep thinking nah, its not time for that yet.
But it is!
I'm almost almost 36 weeks and I have not packed my hospital bag yet.
I don't want to.
I don't know what to pack
If I pack that bag, it means 1 thing.


I do not want it to be TIME.


I'm so scared, I'm so petrified of what will happen or what will not happen. I am afraid that he will die, I am afraid that he will live and suffer in pain, I am afraid of our life never being the same "normal". I am afraid of what he might look like. I have had nightmares the last few days of what he could look like and honestly it scares me. I know it shouldn't but it does. I have been honest through this whole journey, I am not going to stop now.

What do you pack in your bag? What do I pack for him? Do i bring just one outfit, or do I bring a couple? Do I bring a stuffed animal & his blanket we picked out? Do I take the tags off of his outfits & wash them or do I just keep them in the drawer next the the receipt's just in case. I don't know how long we will be there, do I pack normal clothes for me? Do I pack snacks, toys or movies for the boys, books for David? Do I take a coming home outfit to get his picture in or do we just put him in the same GA outfit we did w/ the boys while at the hospital? Do I dress him cute & handsome or do I just wrap him in a blanket?

A part of me wants to start packing up his nursery so I don't have to see it when I come home w/ empty arms. The next min I don't want anyone to touch it. I want to finish his nursery this week and just sit in his room and dream of what he will look like playing with all his toys.

So I ask you what would you do? What would you take to the hospital with you? It may be the only time he sees me and is held by me and I want it to be perfect. I don't want to forget anything for him. I don't want to forget anything about him in those precious moments we will have with him. I don't want to have any regrets. Do you have any ideas of keep sake things I could do for the boys?

Oh how I pray that in 6 weeks I come back on here & shower this blog with beautiful pictures of our healthy baby boy sitting at home in his swing or on his daddy's chest.

So as I sit here, I look at that empty suitcase and I wonder what the heck do I put inside it. What do I fill it up with?

1 comment:

  1. Oh steph- I don't know what to say other then hang in there! I've been praying for you that you will have strength and clarity of mind. If I were you I think I would bring the blanket, stuffed animal and one outfit washed and without tags. He can have the stuffed animal and blanket in the NICU. He wont need the outfit until you leave the hospital but even if you don't need any of it I think you will want to keep them as a token and as something to remember him by. You're in my thoughts and prayers.