I don't know how to even start this post. I have not been able to get my thoughts together & everything seems so jumbled & surreal. I honestly don't understand why this has to be my path. I don't want to keep going down this path. I would give anything to trade places w/ someone & I wish my biggest decision was what to cook for dinner not a life and death decision when it comes to my 3rd little boy.
I went back to the doctor's yesterday & that was followed by a very long & in depth conversation w/ the head of NICU, Dr. Lopez. She gave me a tour of the facility & showed me where Zeke would stay if he survived the first 24 hours. She opened her heart to me. She gave me a lot of information on what exactly would happen with Zeke & how they would do all they could for him. I saw the Ronald McDonald house that would house us so we wouldn't have to make the daily trip to visit him everyday. I passed so many tiny precious babies in the little isolates. I was told all about the support group's that would help us and the boys.
She explained to me what she believed was the best option for us, but never once pressured me to feel like I had to go the way she recommended. As I sat there it made sense all of it. It made logical sense to do the amnio and find out for sure whether or not Zeke had T18, but as I looked at her I thought of all the ultrasounds I have seen & all the problems Zeke has. Even if he doesn't have T18 we are looking at a very long road of surgery's, feeding tubes, breathing machine's & who knows what else. His size is so small that they honestly don't believe he will survive the first 24 hours. It is not because of the possible T18, but the fact that he has so much fluid in his chest his lungs can't develop, his heart is so large it takes up 3/4 of his upper body, his brain is now swollen which they call Dandy Walker & his tummy has not grown any bigger than a 23 week old gestational baby.
The only one that can make him better is God and God alone. God has the power to fix every abnormality that Zeke faces and not a doctor, nor any decision I or David make, can change that. I have been struggling w/ making a decision & when I told my mom tonight she told me the best thing I had heard through out this whole path. "You have the make the best decision with whatever you are faced w/ @ that exact moment. You can't look back & second guess yourself." It is not up to me, or David, or the doctor's for that matter. God knows how many days Zeke will have hear on earth and I honestly believe that as long as we make the best decision at the moment God will take care of the rest. I have always known that, but tonight I truly believe it. So we have made some decisions when it comes to the birth of Zeke and I am praying & believing that when I go back into the doctor this Friday they will honor it with no question's asked.
So please continue to pray for us. As the next few weeks are gonna get harder to face & as we get ready welcome Zeke into our life, how ever long that might be. Please pray for our little boys as we try and explain to them that Zeke is very sick. It is now like the begining when we first heard the prognosis about Zeke, every little thing seems overwhelming and all I want to do is lay in bed & pray the next time I open my eyes it will all be a bad dream. So pray for peace and strength as we walk the next few weeks.