This was written Thursday afternoon, but I never got a chance to post it so I am doing so now even after the news we received today.
You’re never ready. You may have everything planned and are excited to meet your new bundle of joy, or if you are like me you keep putting off packing “the bag” in hopes it will keep you pregnant a good while longer. I don’t want to face the reality of our situation. I’m not ready. The boys are still in school, we still have baseball going on, and my poor husband is having to work so many hours he is exhausted. We haven’t made a birth plan for Zeke and I’m just not ready! We all new this day was coming, but gosh did it have to happen so dang fast?
The contractions and “funny” feeling started yesterday morning. I didn’t really think much of it the rest of the day until last night and then it was like ahhh… DUH you were having contractions! I was wondering if they were the “real” ones or just Braxton hicks I can’t tell. I never really had contractions with Elijah and Malachi all I remember was the pain and my doctor telling me to see if I could hold out until my appt later that afternoon to be checked. I ended up being 4 cm by the time I got to his office. Not to mention that was 6 years ago.
Today I just feel achy. I am super paranoid over every little twinge I feel, my back hurts which makes me think that it is the real thing. I am not any bigger than a 28 week old pregnant woman, the only time I have had backache during this pregnancy is when I get up from laying down or in a sitting position. I also just feel blah like I am about to start my period and have those achy menstrual cramps. As much as I have tried to ignore the fact that something just feels weird hoping that would stop it, I can’t. I was crying this morning and I told Zeke please, please just hold out a couple more weeks you have made it this far, I just need a couple more weeks with you in my belly!!! Please Zeke; just give me a few more weeks!! Unfortunately I can’t just cross my legs to keep him inside me a little bit longer.
Last night after I told David I felt some contractions, I realized yeah can’t put “that bag” off any longer. So what has been taking me over a week or so to pack got packed in about 5 minutes. LOL I took a couple pair of comfy clothes, socks, chap stick, & a few things for Zeke. I remembered this morning about the teddy bear we got for Malachi that play’s the womb sound and I added that just in case he is away from us in the NICU for any amount of time. I keep praying for peace as deep as the ocean. My anxiety is out of control and I am just praying that I do not loose it when I get to the hospital.
We have told the boys a modified story of Zeke. Just that he is sick and will need a lot of prayer to get better. He may be in the hospital for a long time we just won’t really know until he is born. I didn’t want to tell them he may die, but I knew we had to tell them something since they are wondering why I am delivering at a different hospital now. Maybe we should of told them everything, I don’t know what the best thing is anymore. All I know is for now that is all we could muster up to tell them. It may change tomorrow, who knows.
So today “the bag” is packed, the kitchen is clean, and the rest of the house is picked up (minus the toy room which looks like a tornado went off in there) and all the clean laundry is thrown in my bedroom. All in fear that I will head to the hospital and our house will be full of our wonderful family very soon. Considering how pregnant I am and how many hours my husband has worked each day it is amaizing our house looks as good as it does. ;) Now if we can just keep it that way until I head to the hospital, hopefully at least 2 more weeks.