Friday, May 21, 2010
I just can't believe it
I don’t really know what to say except I know I need to write. It is how I have expressed my feelings and emotions the last 5 months. My head hurts from crying all day, I am worn out emotionally and physically. I feel like a complete zombie. We are just walking around in a fog basically. Waiting, it seems like that is all we have been doing is waiting for more test results, waiting for him to be born, waiting for a diagnosis, and now we are just waiting for me to go into labor. If my body doesn’t do it naturally by Monday then I will call my OB office and we will start the induction, which unfortunately they have warned me could take up to 48 hours to get me into active labor.
I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe he is still in my belly. I don’t understand and I know I never will understand the pain that we have to go thru. This has been the hardest few months of our lives and yet I still have to WAIT to give birth to him. I have to walk into that hospital room w/ that darn baby incubator next to my bed knowing my son will be born w/ out a heart beating and no need for it! I always knew this might be a possibility don’t get me wrong, but I really believed that I was going to get a few min w/ him alive before I had to say goodbye. Then David and I were talking. We didn’t want him to suffer; we didn’t want him to be in any pain and if it meant him going to heaven now instead of being born alive & having to fight in pain for the few min or hours he had that would be selfish of us as his parents to want that. So as my tears are covering this keyboard and I how I just want to punch something or someone, I have to believe that God did what was best and he knew how much Zeke could handle and how it might have been too hard for us to watch him suffer.
It is to fresh for me to explain what was happening today when we found out just know it was life shattering and terrible breath taking news. The worst is still to come and this next week will be hard, but I know that God is helping me breathe and just like he has before he will continue to carry me through this painful journey. I have to keep playing that song on my ipod “How he loves us” I don’t want to forget that even though I feel like my world is crashing down. God still loves me; he didn’t do this or cause this to happen to me. I do not want to run from him or isolate myself, but that is also what I have done in the past when it comes to grief. I have to keep telling myself over and over that I may not be able to “move on” but I will be able to “move through” this as long as I keep holding on to my best friend Jesus.
Please pray for us financially. We do not want to leave Zeke at the hospital, but honestly we just do not have the funds to have a proper funeral for him. I have heard that a few people will offer their services but that doesn’t mean it is all “free.” Money is going to be tight as I do not know when I will be able to function physically and emotionally as a wife and a mom, let alone go back to work. Pray that David can find a job with better hours we need him around especially more now. I know God will take care of us; He always has and he will turn it all around for his good. Our friends here at church have been amazing bringing dinner and offering any help that we might need. We feel so loved and blessed by them and so loved and blessed my all of you that are praying. Thank you so much and I will be blogging my feelings a lot thru this process and will let you all know when the next step is happening.