Monday, May 17, 2010


You will never guess what I did today. I believe that it might of been a taste of what hell may feel like.

I was at work sitting next to a 6 week old baby boy that looks exactly like Malachi. He is asleep in the baby swing as all the other babies (which I might add are 7 other girls) lay in their crib. Would you call it ironic, pure torture, or yet again just bad luck? Considering my job title is a Preschool Teacher I didn't even understand why I was put in that room today.

The other lady in the room kept trying to get me to hold him and feed him while she changed all the other girl’s diapers. She could not understand why I volunteered to change 7 other diapers instead of sit and rock that precious little boy, she kept telling me I needed to practice. How many times do I need to tell them at work that my baby is severely sick? I just looked at her and gave her what was a fake but trying to be genuine smile as I sat the last little girl back in her crib to go to sleep.

She asked me when I was due and if I was bubbling with excitement. She asked if I had a big baby shower & had his nursery complete with everything you would need for a new baby. There came the smile again and yes it was far from real. I had to look the other way for fear she would see tears in my eyes. What felt like an hour I finally looked back at her with tears in my eyes and I told her no. We are not ready. Yes we have all the important stuff like a crib, car seat and a bassinet, but no we did not have a baby shower or even buy baby bottles and onesie’s. We have no diaper or wipes. She just looked at me confused like ahh aren’t you due in just a few weeks? I smiled at her again trying to change the subject because I knew I just didn’t have the strength to tell her again our story. English is not her first language and so I know that has a big part in why she has not understood me before, but today I just didn’t care,

It didn’t matter how many times I changed to topic and as much as I tried to not look at that precious little boy in the swing, I couldn’t. I kept dreaming of that being Zeke. Instead of that little boy wearing the Texas Orange his daddy will have him covered in Georgia Red from head to toe.

I finally looked up at her and told her I was due in almost 4 weeks, exactly 1 month from today is Zeke’s due date. The doctor’s do not expect him to survive, he is a very sick little baby and unless God intervene’s we will not be bringing him home with us. Her mouth fell open and she got tears in her eye’s. She hugged me and we both cried for Zeke. After a few min we got busy taking care of the babies and she just stopped and looked at me and sayed….”Why in the world did they put you in this classroom today?” and then we just laughed. I laughed so hard I started crying again. We could not believe that out of all the rooms for me to be in I had to be in the newborn room.

Today is the 17th, Today is 1 month exactly before my due date. My date has changed from the 17th all the way to the 20th. Today I am numb. Today I went into his room and went thru a few preemie clothes we have for him and I was trying to find the little GA hat and socks we used for the boys, along with the silk blanket the boys picked out for Zeke. I got a little onesie and hat that say little brother and then I have Elijah and Malachi’s big brother shirts they will wear that I hope to put Zeke’s footprints on. The GA onesie looks gigantic so I am trying to shrink it a little. After I got some of Zeke’s stuff together to put in the hospital bag I just sat in his room and tried to picture him in his bed and the boys standing next to the changing table watching us change his diapers. I saw the books they put on his bookshelf and the letters that spell his name we have yet to put on the wall. I wanted to cry, I tried to cry so hard but I couldn’t I just feel numb to the whole situation. It just feels like I am living someone else’s life. Like I am standing outside my body watching this all unfold before me. Yes I am preparing for the worst and today I have no hope, but I have peace. Which honestly doesn’t make sense, but I know can only come from God and God alone. I am still praying for the best outcome, his Complete Healing!

This was Malachi when he was just a few months old. That little baby boy could of been his twin, or Malachi's brother


  1. another day, another roller coaster ride. hold on to hope. and when you can't seem to find the tiniest shred of it, hold on to God. Cling to Him. find your very existence in the promise that He is with you every step of the way, with His arms wrapped around you, wiping your tears. only He can truly know what you're going through and only He can heal your heart, regardless of how Zeke comes to you on that day, part of you will still need to heal. and that's ok. be honest with God. HE WILL GIVE YOU GRACE FOR THE MOMENT. i love you and am still praying for you.--Sarah

  2. Stefani,
    My name is Erin. I met you a few times at Free Chapel when you picked up your son from Kidpak. I'm not sure if you remember me or not. A mutual friend directed me to your blog. I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you, your sweet family, and especially for your precious Zeke. I pray that God sends His healing power your way.

  3. Stefani, no words can express what you are going through as a mom. Yes, it is very painful for David as well, as he just lost his daddy, but a mom FEELS what is going on inside of her. I just want to encourage you to just cling to the Lord, whatever He is going to do. I will pray for complete healing for Zeke, but just as Sarah said: I pray for your healing even more! What ever the outcome will be, you need healing as well. Don't forget so many people are praying for you, and the Lord sees all the tears that have been shad. I cried out to the Lord as well reading your blog. But I am proud of you, how you are holding on to your Daddy! Don't let go, girl!
    And just a little impression to share: sometimes the Lord is using people who don't even know him (that well) to prophecy over us. So maybe this co worker was used by the Lord to get some hope inside of you, so you would prepare yourself just in case Daddy is healing Zeke!! Praying for you and your family.


  5. Stef, I'm so glad you did tell the woman you were working with, so she could greive and understand what you are going through, to some level. I am praying for little Zeke, and your family to get through this. The Lord send you peace and hide you in the shelter of His wing.