That is how long its been since Zeke entered into this world, even though he had already been dancing on the street's of gold with Jesus. Words can not express the pain, shock, numbness, emptyness and sadness that we are all experiencing right now. It comes in waves and it still feels like a terriable nightmare that is until we all look at my belly and see how empty it is now.
I am not ready to go into the details of what went down Tuesday morning when Zeke entered the world. It is to painful and to personal right now. You all are probably shocked that I just wrote that considering I have been sharing this whole experience w/ you and not hiding a single detail or feeling. I may feel different in a week or a month, maybe never I just know that today I can't do it. I will tell you that it was nothing like I expected or anything like we wanted. Our day nurse Janice was truely a gift from God and we are so thankful that through her kindness she was able to salvage some of our dreams from what took place that day. The birth and labor was over fairly quickly. I was able to recover in the labor room (thank you Janice) until I was released around 7pm. I was so thankful that my doctor and my nurse had the sensitivity to not transfer me to the hall way w/ all those happy mom's with their newborns and they sent me home as soon as possible.
We are doing okay. The boys are handling it fairly well , but totally different Elijah is being very quiet, Malachi wont stop talking but he has had some stomach issues. We are so thankful that my mom has been able to be here through the whole process to be with us at the hospital and to help us w/ the boys. I am pretty much useless, the hormones are TOTALLY out of wack and to top it off our car is giving us a major headache!!
We went to the funeral home yesterday afternoon no parent should ever have to do that. The smell just made me want to throw up and the silence of the place was just sickening. I was "okay" until we had to fill out his death certificate. Seeing the words Ezekiel William Gordon on that sheet of paper, well words just can't describe the deep pain I feel. I then got to the bottom and had to sign my name and then list the relationship to the deceased. That was the first and only time I had ever wanted to deny being a mother. A mother should never have to sign a death certificate for their baby! A father should never have to sign a death certificate for their baby! We walked out of there and made it to the car and it wouldn't start, how cruel is that? The one place you want to hury and get away from & we couldn't, we were just stuck in a hot car that would not start in the funeral home parking lot!
We have decided to have a private memorial for Zeke here in Houston and then when we are up to it we will take Zeke back to Georgia with a memorial there and then place him w/ David's dad who passed away only a few weeks before Zeke did.
Again I want to thank you for all your prayers and support through this journey. It is not over and every second that goes by is another wave of emotions that we all feel. His nursery is un touched and we plan to keep it that way for a very long time. We sent his blood off for testing and are anxious to get the results back so we can find out what was medically wrong with him. I will definatly still write about the grief that comes w/ loosing a child. The emptyness we have inside of us will never go away, but I know that with God's strength and grace we will learn how to live w/out our precious baby boy. It is going to take time and it is going to be a very long road, but I will continue to blog and share our journey with you all as we move into this next step of our life.
The one good thing that has happened is, because of Zeke and because of the sweet kindness Janice showed us I am applying for nursing school. I have always wanted to but always found an excuse on why I couldn't do it. I changed my major and graduated w/ a degree in Healthcare Managment thinking that was the best for me, but now after watching Janice I have felt that is what I need to do. I want to be able to minister to other women who are loosing a child or going through the heartache that I went through. I want Zeke to not only have an impact on my life and other's today, but I want him to have an impact for years to come. I want to be able to share my story w/ other mom's and hold them while they are going thru the worst day of their life. Just like Janice did for David and I.