Were do I begin?
May 25 2010 will be my little boy's birthday. It will be a day we will never forget. A day we will finally get to hold Zeke and kiss him and cuddle him in our arms. A day full of pain, tears, and love. A day no parent should every have to go through.
I can't express to you the way I feel right now. Numb maybe? Shock? Anxiety?I have not cried all day, I have laughed, but something inside me just feels gone. It doesn't seem real especially since I can still look down and see that he is still in my belly. Yesterday someone asked me when I was due, it was easier to just say the end of June. They then kept rambling on and on about how small my tummy was. If only they knew what was about to happen to me in the next few days. So it made me wonder..... how many other woman are like me walking around in a fog while they are out in the world doing there everyday errands?
I don't know exactly how i will feel tomorrow, but I can tell you that the thought of delivering my baby who is already in heaven just seems like the cruelest thing in the whole world, well next to feeling like his walking gravesite for the last 6 days. I am not angry with God. I am just sad, extremly sad to the point it just feels wrong to smile, even though i still do. I feel let down in a way. We had a healing conferance at our church this weekend, we went and I as soon as worship got going a lady walked in with a brand new baby boy and sat right in front of me. I started to hyperventilate and just about had to run out of the sanctuary. Last night the speaker was talking about healing the sick. People were getting words of knowledge and being healed for their sickness, I had to leave the sanctuary again. What seems so weird is I am truely happy for those who recieved healing. I am truely happy for the mother in front of me holding her brand new baby boy. I just don't understand why? Why didn't Zeke receive his eartly healing? It wasn't for a lack of prayer. This little boy has SO MANY people praying for him it was incredible. So my question is why do some people get healed and other's do not? Why did my grandpa have to loose his battle w/ cancer at such a young age? Why did David's dad have to leave us so early and why did my precious baby boy have to go straight into the arms of Jesus? I know I will never know the answer to these questions on this side of heaven, and I know it will drive me crazy if I dwell on them, but I can't help but wonder when is it our turn to see God's super natural healing? Why do we keep having to see pain, suffering and death? When do we get to see God's resurection and healing power?
It is the ordinary daily activities which seem so overwhelming like cooking dinner, getting a snacks or drinks for the boys or just getting up out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I started freaking out because I couldn't find "theeee" tshirt i wanted to wear. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I am sick to my stomach with the thougth of having to walk into that hospital tomorrow morning and walk out Wednessday morning w/ empty arms. I am worried about Elijah he is not talking to us about Zeke at all. My mom found him hiding in the nursery over the weekend. He is hurting and he is sad he will upset if he talks about Zeke, even though I have told him it is okay for us to talk about him. So please pray for my boys tomorrow as they hold their baby brother and tell him goodbye. I don't want them to be scared, but I also know the importance of them having closer. Malachi was so excited when he found out I was going to the hospital tomorrow to have Zeke. They just don't understand and it is soooo heartbreaking to watch them grieve.
I will try and get someone to post an update on when Zeke is out and in our arms. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to just flood that hospital room tomorrow with so much love and peace that what we think will be a day full of sorrow will actually be full of smiles and joy as we finally get to lay eyes on our precious Zeke William. I am praying that even the nurse's and the doctor's will feel God's presence in our room tomorrow.