Friday, May 21, 2010

I just can't believe it


I don’t really know what to say except I know I need to write. It is how I have expressed my feelings and emotions the last 5 months. My head hurts from crying all day, I am worn out emotionally and physically. I feel like a complete zombie. We are just walking around in a fog basically. Waiting, it seems like that is all we have been doing is waiting for more test results, waiting for him to be born, waiting for a diagnosis, and now we are just waiting for me to go into labor. If my body doesn’t do it naturally by Monday then I will call my OB office and we will start the induction, which unfortunately they have warned me could take up to 48 hours to get me into active labor.

I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe he is still in my belly. I don’t understand and I know I never will understand the pain that we have to go thru. This has been the hardest few months of our lives and yet I still have to WAIT to give birth to him. I have to walk into that hospital room w/ that darn baby incubator next to my bed knowing my son will be born w/ out a heart beating and no need for it! I always knew this might be a possibility don’t get me wrong, but I really believed that I was going to get a few min w/ him alive before I had to say goodbye. Then David and I were talking. We didn’t want him to suffer; we didn’t want him to be in any pain and if it meant him going to heaven now instead of being born alive & having to fight in pain for the few min or hours he had that would be selfish of us as his parents to want that. So as my tears are covering this keyboard and I how I just want to punch something or someone, I have to believe that God did what was best and he knew how much Zeke could handle and how it might have been too hard for us to watch him suffer.

It is to fresh for me to explain what was happening today when we found out just know it was life shattering and terrible breath taking news. The worst is still to come and this next week will be hard, but I know that God is helping me breathe and just like he has before he will continue to carry me through this painful journey. I have to keep playing that song on my ipod “How he loves us” I don’t want to forget that even though I feel like my world is crashing down. God still loves me; he didn’t do this or cause this to happen to me. I do not want to run from him or isolate myself, but that is also what I have done in the past when it comes to grief. I have to keep telling myself over and over that I may not be able to “move on” but I will be able to “move through” this as long as I keep holding on to my best friend Jesus.

Please pray for us financially. We do not want to leave Zeke at the hospital, but honestly we just do not have the funds to have a proper funeral for him. I have heard that a few people will offer their services but that doesn’t mean it is all “free.” Money is going to be tight as I do not know when I will be able to function physically and emotionally as a wife and a mom, let alone go back to work. Pray that David can find a job with better hours we need him around especially more now. I know God will take care of us; He always has and he will turn it all around for his good. Our friends here at church have been amazing bringing dinner and offering any help that we might need. We feel so loved and blessed by them and so loved and blessed my all of you that are praying. Thank you so much and I will be blogging my feelings a lot thru this process and will let you all know when the next step is happening.

10 comments:

  1. When we lost our Jenna before birth to Trisomy 18, all of the funeral homes in the area offered cremation for free. To be honest before she died, I wasn't sure if I wanted her to be cremated, but now, I'm glad I did. She is with me always this way, and I will be buried with her.

    Nothing is worse than what you are feeling now. Big hugs to you. Be kind to yourself over the next few days and do whatever you need to do to get through this.

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  2. You know it is funny because I was talking to my assistant today as he had laid you on my heart. We prayed right then and there. That was on Wednesday and Thurs. I will continue to pray and know I love you and that Zeke was loved even before he was born!

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  3. My heart aches for you and your family. I cannot even fathom the pain and emotions you must be feeling now. But, I do know that our God is an awesome God and that precious Zeke has been welcomed into Heaven where there is no sorrow or pain. I pray that His peace that passes all understanding surrounds you and your family tonight and that He will sustain you in the difficult days ahead. <3

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  4. Heaven is his lullaby...baby Zeke will always be missed. Praying for you and your family as you grieve the separation.

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  5. praying for you. knowing God will be with you every step of the way and will provide for you every need! I am so sorry. My heart is with you and yours!

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  6. I'm so sorry for your lost...is very hard for me to give you any advise other than faith..many times seams very hard to understand God's actions but believe me, he ALWAYS has a purpose.

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  7. Stef - I don't know what to say ..... I'm just continuing to pray for you guys. God knows best and will get you through this.

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  8. Stef_ I am thinking of you and your family. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. You are so strong and brave. Take time to heal, but know that baby will always be a part of you and that you have 2 beautiful little ones that love you so much!!!! when your able to get back on your feet, they will all be there for you and help you heal. I am so sorry sweetie! Love to you~! Melissa Borde

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  9. You are an amazing woman of God, Stef. You may not "feel" like it, but you are! Your faith is an example to so many who are watching and praying for you. And you are so right...only your best friend, Jesus, can walk you through this season. Hold tight to Him -- and to your hubby and beautiful family. You are ALL covered in a blanket of prayer and love. I am praying that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Cathy S. : )~

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  10. Stef, my heart hurts for you guys. I am praying for you!!

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